Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Seal and Heidi Klum SPLIT

I just watched the video clip of Seal talking with Ellen on her talk show. The man appears to be beautiful in many ways....he repeatedly states his love for the woman he married, the blessings of their four kids, and their determination to be "civil." He began by stating that their split is shocking to both of them, and that he doesn't mind admitting that they are grieving.

While I don't know Heidi's point-of-view, I have read an article about the greatness of her love for Seal within the past year.

Both of these media portrayals, if accurate, show that there are two people who have the potential to resolve their issues, as they have mutual love and respect for each other and were not wanting to end their marriage.

When the couple can be "civil," and plan to love each other and stay connected, even after splitting from their marriage, I need to question why they are splitting at all. Could it be that the changes they hoped to implement did not happen fast enough for them? Could it be that they believed the lie that if you aren't "happy" in your marriage that you should not stay together?  Seal stated the gravity of the words, "Til death do us part." This would likely mean that he has also heard the commitment words of "for better for worse," right?! The stuff they were going through (and I'm sure it was significant, as there are hard times in all marriages) is not supposed to be the focus. Rather that love that he mentioned, that commitment at the wedding ceremony, the vows, the covenant relationship that they each willingly, knowingly, and wantingly entered into together, those things mean nothing if they are not honored....until death do you part.

Anything less than death do you part when you both are able to be civil and shocked by your decision is a cop out. This is not to be harsh, but these are the times about which your vows were talking. This situation is merely a wake-up call to the severity of the need for healing and change, but the change should not be a "throwing in the towel" change because happiness did not come quickly enough. Marriages are built day by day, and problems, if not addressed day by day, can become overwheming and eventually take a couple by surprise....then couples are further surprised when they cannot "fix it" in a few weeks, six months, or a year and a half of trying. Whatever the time frame, the commitment is to remain the same...til death do you part....this does not mean that you will enjoy every minute of it.....marriage can be completely hard to navigate sometimes, but the commitment is what is there when the feelings aren't.

So, for Seal to say that he still "loves" Heidi and that they were both shocked, is actually very encouraging. It could be a great place for them to be! If they wouldn't split-up, and they would fight for their marriage, simply because they committed to do so, even if the feelings aren't there right now (and in this case, it appears they still are!), they would likely find that they will be miserable for a while, but over time, as they seek help and incorporate healthier skills and take positive actions, over and over, day after day, they will likely turn the ship around, and someday, they might just smile on the otherside, be passionately feeling "in love" again, and be greatful that they persevered, learned so much, and overcame.

Marriage Gal sees the lessons to be learned from this sad marital break-up:

1) Don't give up when you don't see how things will turn around. This is what your vows and commitment were all about.

2) If you can love each other and be civil, as Seal said, then your situation isn't nearly as dire as you believe it to be.

3) Marriage problems do not occur overnight (in most cases). Get and use the skills you need to head off the future "shock" of wondering where things had deteriorated. They deteriorated in the every day, day after day, moment by moment lack of diligence in addressing the ant hills until they became mountain-like in proportion.

4) The great news is this: By keeping your commitment to marriage to each other unto death do you part, and by working the skills and weaving them into your relationship, your relationship is likely to gain in health, strength, and joy, and the "feelings of love," over time. Day by day, great marriages are formed.....you CAN undo the damage......it just may take more time if the deterioration happened over years....but it can be conquered, and you can be successful!

The above summary is something that I find so sad and yet so encouraging....

So sad because I believe Seal and Heidi are throwing in the towel when their marriage can be saved, and encouraging because if couples can learn from Seal and Heidi and do the opposite in their own marriage, and stay together when they wake up and realize with "shock" the distance between them, that wake-up call can be seen as a light on the issues to show what needs fixing and can be a beginning of changes for better marital closeness to come!

If YOU want to avoid the "shock" of finding your marriage separating, or you want to keep your marriage together, visit www.marriageguyandgal.com . We can help you gain the skills to make your marriage thrive!